I’m 59. She’s 19. We’re in love. Now what?
In this week’s “Ask Amy & T.J” column, Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes tackle the timeless question: Is age really just a number?
Age gaps are common in romantic relationships. But can a couple with 40 years between them make it work? (Photo illustration: News, photo: Getty Images)
Longtime journalists Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes have decades of relationship experience between them. Each has been married and divorced twice. They’ve raised children, been through heartbreak, found love, and together have formed a blended family. The celebrity couple has weathered it all by staying authentic to themselves and each other. Now they’re here to share their battle-tested expertise with you in Ask Amy & T.J., a relationship advice column from . Have a question they should answer? Email [email protected] and hear more from them on their podcast.
**Amy and T.J.,
I’m 59, she is 19. I’ll wait while you shake off the obvious initial reaction, the one that says I’m a predator or, at best, simply with this young woman because of the sex! She and I have found intimacy at a level we never thought existed while navigating the complexity of falling in love. You guys could not be more correct … love is indeed messy!
Finding the courage to step off the cliff of “settling for less,” in hopes of experiencing the kind of love that even the best poets, artists, and musicians can’t fully describe, is paralyzing! She and I are currently standing on that cliff.
Can you offer some non-judgmental feedback about how — or whether — to pursue this relationship?
Hope to hear from you and congratulations on stepping off that cliff yourselves!
— C & R**
Gut reaction
T.J. Holmes: That’s … damn. He’s 59, she’s 19. They’re in love. Bill Belichick’s girlfriend is 24, and he’s 73. That’s a 49-year age gap for them. It’s not a morality thing, but there are 25-year-olds I don’t have anything in common with. So, how does this work?
Amy Robach: I say to my daughters — they’re 19 and 22 — all the time: You don’t know what you don’t know. It’s probably the most annoying thing I say to them because, of course, they can’t know what I’m talking about, not yet. But it’s the truth. You don’t know what you don’t know when you’re 19, and your 20s are such an important time to figure out who you are, what you want, and what your limits are.
On further thought …
TH: Love can take so many forms. You never know where you’re going to find it, how, when, or with whom. Sometimes love just happens, and if you’re not hurting yourselves or someone else, who are we to say it’s wrong? But based on what you’ve said here, I don’t think I could in good conscience simply say, “yeah, go for it.”
If you really care about this woman and love her, think of how much life she has ahead of her and how much she might miss out on by being with a nearly 60-year-old man. She’s going to miss out on being a teenager, on partying with her friends, on so much of the stupid little stuff that’s part of our formative years. Don’t take that from her.
AR: I’m not interested in judging who should date whom. It’s not so much the age gap. There are people who fill different roles in our lives, and the age difference between you might feel comfortable and safe to her right now. But I can’t imagine that it’s always going to be that way. And it’s her age that is a bigger red flag for me.
A relationship like yours — between a considerably older man and a very young woman — is difficult because there is a power imbalance and an experience imbalance. I see many potential problems for you both because she is so impressionable at this age. Both T.J. and I got married for the first time when we were 23. And I wouldn’t advise that either! Because you don’t yet know who you are in your teens and 20s. Your brain is still forming, growing, and developing until you